Oh no..... TANTRUMS!

Here we were at the park, it was time to leave and she obviously didn’t want to come so she started to scream, threw herself on the grass and kicked. I didn’t give her attention and let her screamed, I knew that it would end in few minutes and that this little monster would be soon beautiful once again…All the mums around us looked at me as if I was such a bad person  “What is she doing to that poor child!”.

You know, she is an adorable little girl, but for a few months, it seems that when she does not get what she wants or when she is told that she is being naughty, she just starts to scream, kick, pinch and throw things…

After the park situation and considering the fierce look I received from some mum, I started to wonder if not giving her attention during these tantrums moments was the best to do…So, of course, I did checked it out.

I found a really cute definition of tantrum on a blog and I though that it actually gave a really good idea of what it is : “A tantrum is like a summer storm, it is sudden and sometimes fierce, but often over as quickly as it starts”.

These angry moments usually starts around 2 years old and are over around 3. These years are the moments when your baby starts to talk and often it comes with a lot of frustration. Not being understood, not being able to express yourself and not being able to do the things you would like to do can all amount to tantrums. I just remember the last time I built an “IKEA” cupboard…After many attempts, I swore and threw my screw driver on the other side of the room, stomped my feet and walked away.. I was frustrated but this does not happen every day (depends on who you ask) as I have control on my world pretty well. Imagine not being in control and having limited skills to express yourself. I think if we went back to that time now, I would have tantrums all the time. So it is quite normal at this age and all the parents (well most of them) have to deal with them.

So how can you recognise a tantrum? After all, it can be a bit confusing to make the difference between that and when your kid manipulates you to get something they want. Well, around 2 or 3, it seems that children are unlikely to use manipulation but are more likely to respond to frustration by crying, stomping their feet, falling-throwing themselves on the floor, kicking, throwing objects, breaking stuff and even head banging, vomiting and breath holding…..Charming, isn’t it? This can happen when you child is hungry, tired, stressed, upset and frustrated, overstimulated or even sick.

So what can you do? After all, it is normal child development and you don’t want to be too hard on your kid…but you don’t want them to believe that they have their way with you too easily. I found many tips to avoid or at least reduce the storm. Here are some of them :

-Give your toddler attention : if they do not receive enough attention, they tend to atract it and not always in a good way.

-Often, a tantrum can come from being frustrated so try to give your child some control over the little things. For example, give them a choice between “eating carrot or peas” or “if they would like to get dress now or in 15 minutes”… they will feel like they can decide a bit and feel that it is not a demand.

-Give your child toys or tasks of their own age bracket, so they don't not get frustrated over something they can’t do.

-Plan your day regarding your toddler habits and make sure they gets enough sleep and eat healthy. Know when they get tired as they are more likely to have tantrums at this moment.

-Help your child communicate with you in different ways such as pointing things they need or using baby sign language. Helping them to communicate is really key with tantrums as a 2 years old only have a vocabulary of around 50 words.

 

-Compliment your child when they are behaving well.

- keep your parenting consistent

-choose your battles, have a second look at your child request. Maybe count the number of time you say “NO” in a day and see if it seems too much or not.

-watch your schedule as well : are you super busy, over tired? Does you child feel that stress? It could be the spark for the fire. Your child feels a lot of emotion and will pick up on your moods.

There is an important thing that you should AVOID :

-NEVER REWARD A TANTRUM!

It can be giving your child what they want in order to stop the tantrum (difficult not to do when you are in public), giving you toddler attention when the tantrum is happening and not at all or very little when they are not having tantrums, changing your/their routine to avoid the storm such as giving them their favourite food to avoid tantrums at dinner time, ect…

Bad behaviour will tend to continue when rewarded, you don’t really want that.

But let’s be honest, doing all of these things does not guaranty you are safe from tantrums. And when it happens, it can be challenging and intense for you and for them. So when it happens, stay calm. Starting to yell or scream won’t actually help to stop it but  will only make things worse. It is better to stay with them and wait for the storm to finish. This moment is scary for them too, as they have no control or very little over themselves. It is really tempting to walk away, but again knowing you will stay there is reassuring for them and makes them feel they are not being abandoned.

You can try to take them in your arms and embrace them, they can calm down quicker like that. It can be really challenging, depending how intense the tantrum is. So just go with the situation.

Don’t argue, you are the adult and you decide. Let the tantrum pass, even if it can be tempting in public to make an end to it quite quickly

“Tantrums in Public” are the worst as you probably feel that people watching are judging the way you act with your kids. Have you ever had this look from the woman at the shopping centre looking at your child rolling on the floor saying “My god, what a terrible child, their parents should be more firm with them! Lack of education probably!” Remember, tantrums are a normal development for your child and no, it is not a lack of education.

So in public, even if you can be really tempted to end this tantrum as soon as it starts, stick to your tantrum strategy that you already use at home. No matter what happen, stay calm and consistent. You know what? Most of parents go through this with their kids and they will understand what is happening. Don’t feel judged. But if the tantrum is getting too extreme, go home. It is better to go somewhere where your child can calm down than giving up at the supermarket.

And remember, raising a child will be the most challenging thing you will have to go through in your life, you are not superwoman or superman, sometimes, it just happens you give in and that’s it! Don’t blame yourselves, tomorrow is another day.

And when the storm is over, talk to your child, it will help them settled down. They need to feel reassured after such an event, they know they haven’t been amazing and they need to feel that you still love them.

Help your child to regain their dignity. They will one day be able to do it by themselves but until this time comes, you are a the one who can help them go through such a challenging moment. They have to learn how to handle this type of emotional distress and you as a parent holds the master key.

References : 

-http://www.babycenter.com/0_ta

-http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Tantrums
-http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/tantrums.html