Oh no..... TANTRUMS!

Here we were at the park, it was time to leave and she obviously didn’t want to come so she started to scream, threw herself on the grass and kicked. I didn’t give her attention and let her screamed, I knew that it would end in few minutes and that this little monster would be soon beautiful once again…All the mums around us looked at me as if I was such a bad person  “What is she doing to that poor child!”.

You know, she is an adorable little girl, but for a few months, it seems that when she does not get what she wants or when she is told that she is being naughty, she just starts to scream, kick, pinch and throw things…

After the park situation and considering the fierce look I received from some mum, I started to wonder if not giving her attention during these tantrums moments was the best to do…So, of course, I did checked it out.

I found a really cute definition of tantrum on a blog and I though that it actually gave a really good idea of what it is : “A tantrum is like a summer storm, it is sudden and sometimes fierce, but often over as quickly as it starts”.

These angry moments usually starts around 2 years old and are over around 3. These years are the moments when your baby starts to talk and often it comes with a lot of frustration. Not being understood, not being able to express yourself and not being able to do the things you would like to do can all amount to tantrums. I just remember the last time I built an “IKEA” cupboard…After many attempts, I swore and threw my screw driver on the other side of the room, stomped my feet and walked away.. I was frustrated but this does not happen every day (depends on who you ask) as I have control on my world pretty well. Imagine not being in control and having limited skills to express yourself. I think if we went back to that time now, I would have tantrums all the time. So it is quite normal at this age and all the parents (well most of them) have to deal with them.

So how can you recognise a tantrum? After all, it can be a bit confusing to make the difference between that and when your kid manipulates you to get something they want. Well, around 2 or 3, it seems that children are unlikely to use manipulation but are more likely to respond to frustration by crying, stomping their feet, falling-throwing themselves on the floor, kicking, throwing objects, breaking stuff and even head banging, vomiting and breath holding…..Charming, isn’t it? This can happen when you child is hungry, tired, stressed, upset and frustrated, overstimulated or even sick.

So what can you do? After all, it is normal child development and you don’t want to be too hard on your kid…but you don’t want them to believe that they have their way with you too easily. I found many tips to avoid or at least reduce the storm. Here are some of them :

-Give your toddler attention : if they do not receive enough attention, they tend to atract it and not always in a good way.

-Often, a tantrum can come from being frustrated so try to give your child some control over the little things. For example, give them a choice between “eating carrot or peas” or “if they would like to get dress now or in 15 minutes”… they will feel like they can decide a bit and feel that it is not a demand.

-Give your child toys or tasks of their own age bracket, so they don't not get frustrated over something they can’t do.

-Plan your day regarding your toddler habits and make sure they gets enough sleep and eat healthy. Know when they get tired as they are more likely to have tantrums at this moment.

-Help your child communicate with you in different ways such as pointing things they need or using baby sign language. Helping them to communicate is really key with tantrums as a 2 years old only have a vocabulary of around 50 words.

 

-Compliment your child when they are behaving well.

- keep your parenting consistent

-choose your battles, have a second look at your child request. Maybe count the number of time you say “NO” in a day and see if it seems too much or not.

-watch your schedule as well : are you super busy, over tired? Does you child feel that stress? It could be the spark for the fire. Your child feels a lot of emotion and will pick up on your moods.

There is an important thing that you should AVOID :

-NEVER REWARD A TANTRUM!

It can be giving your child what they want in order to stop the tantrum (difficult not to do when you are in public), giving you toddler attention when the tantrum is happening and not at all or very little when they are not having tantrums, changing your/their routine to avoid the storm such as giving them their favourite food to avoid tantrums at dinner time, ect…

Bad behaviour will tend to continue when rewarded, you don’t really want that.

But let’s be honest, doing all of these things does not guaranty you are safe from tantrums. And when it happens, it can be challenging and intense for you and for them. So when it happens, stay calm. Starting to yell or scream won’t actually help to stop it but  will only make things worse. It is better to stay with them and wait for the storm to finish. This moment is scary for them too, as they have no control or very little over themselves. It is really tempting to walk away, but again knowing you will stay there is reassuring for them and makes them feel they are not being abandoned.

You can try to take them in your arms and embrace them, they can calm down quicker like that. It can be really challenging, depending how intense the tantrum is. So just go with the situation.

Don’t argue, you are the adult and you decide. Let the tantrum pass, even if it can be tempting in public to make an end to it quite quickly

“Tantrums in Public” are the worst as you probably feel that people watching are judging the way you act with your kids. Have you ever had this look from the woman at the shopping centre looking at your child rolling on the floor saying “My god, what a terrible child, their parents should be more firm with them! Lack of education probably!” Remember, tantrums are a normal development for your child and no, it is not a lack of education.

So in public, even if you can be really tempted to end this tantrum as soon as it starts, stick to your tantrum strategy that you already use at home. No matter what happen, stay calm and consistent. You know what? Most of parents go through this with their kids and they will understand what is happening. Don’t feel judged. But if the tantrum is getting too extreme, go home. It is better to go somewhere where your child can calm down than giving up at the supermarket.

And remember, raising a child will be the most challenging thing you will have to go through in your life, you are not superwoman or superman, sometimes, it just happens you give in and that’s it! Don’t blame yourselves, tomorrow is another day.

And when the storm is over, talk to your child, it will help them settled down. They need to feel reassured after such an event, they know they haven’t been amazing and they need to feel that you still love them.

Help your child to regain their dignity. They will one day be able to do it by themselves but until this time comes, you are a the one who can help them go through such a challenging moment. They have to learn how to handle this type of emotional distress and you as a parent holds the master key.

References : 

-http://www.babycenter.com/0_ta

-http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Tantrums
-http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/tantrums.html

OH MY GOOOOOD!!!! We lost Binky the teddy Bear!!!!!!

Do you know what happened last week? Oh my god, unbelievable, we lost “Binky”!! Well, we didn’t really lost it, he just stayed in mum’s car after she dropped off her little girl…I thought she would be ok…but no! At nap time, she screamed , and screamed like I had never heard before. I tried EVERYTHING! Stories, singing, all the Teddys I could find, but no! She still didn’t fall sleep, even if she was completely exhausted with no more voice… She was calling “Binky! Binky!” and looked at me with such pain. I could read in her eyes : “Where did you put my “Binky”?!! I know you kidnapped him just to make me cry, you mean nanny!!” “Binky” is maybe just a Teddy Bear, but don’t you underestimate him! He is really POWERFUL!

After this intense afternoon, I started to wonder about my own childhood, apparently I never had a “Binky” and my mum used to say that it was simpler because we couldn’t loose it or forget it somewhere. I wonder if it is something that they really need or is it bad to have a binky?

Your baby’s Teddy or “Blanky”,“Binky”,"Lovey" is a TO, Transitional Object. When your child start to explore the world, they will be amazed by it but as well be frightened. As they crawl and walk around, you as a mum or a dad are not always around when something a bit confusing happen. Teddy is portable and is an emotional security for these moments and will provide comfort in these scary moments just like you do….

This “blanky” will remain in your baby’s life until the time they understand or they do not need a constant presence in their life to be reassured. It can be as early as 2… or for some other kids, the teenage years.

You might be wondering if all of this is healthy?… When does this bond with this inanimate thing gets not normal? It can be already challenging to wash it and maybe completely impossible for them to go to sleep without it…Well, as per my research, it become unhealthy when the child does not want to engage or bond with anyone else other than the Teddy. If your child prefers to stay at home or snuggle with their Teddy instead to run around or play with other kids, well it can be another story. In this case, your baby’s answer to stress can be unhealthy and might need further investigation. The stress can come from a situation at home,with the child care provider or some other situation living outside home. Every child is different but your mother and father instinct is the best thing in the world so trust yourself. If you thing something is not normal or think your child’s dependance on their teddy is too much, you  can still consult your doctor and ask question.

So what to do or not to do? If your baby has a Teddy, you may already have done all of that or maybe you will find some ideas in these few tips.

First, I think it is really important to set limits. As we explained previously, Teddy is a comforting object and should be employed for this task, comforting. So we are talking about nap-sleep time, stressful situations, etc… finally, remember that this Teddy is kind of you so when you are around there is no need for it. If a stressful event was to happen, you are here to give cuddles and this is way better than Teddy (sorry Teddy, we still love you…). Teddy can stay in the coat or be carried around in the house, but not outside at the childcare centre or the playground. This way, your child will be more keen on playing and bonding with other kids and it gives you the security of not LOOSING BINKY!!!

Talking about loosing the precious Teddy, it could be a great idea to buy a replicate and to rotate both of these Teddys so they are both soiled and smell the same.  If you keep one Teddy too clean, there will be a big rejection when you will have to use it…

 

Talking about smell…my god, I don’t know if you agree with me but these things can get really dirty! Seriously! And when washing time arrives, it can be the END OF THE WORLD!!! You could schedule laundry visits, so your child is prepared and “Binky” is clean… Kind of like washing the dog...

When your baby is not a baby anymore, never laugh at them or tease them because Teddy is still around in the bed. Never ask them to give it up either because that could be difficult work. They will get rid of it when they will feel the need for it. Anyway, if you decide that Teddy has to go, chances are that your child will find another way to comfort themselves such as sucking their Thumb …

Your child loves their Teddy and it is really important for them. Remember that until the time they are bonding with other people and kids, Teddy is not a problem and is actually really helpful for your baby to make this transition between you and this scary world. Teddy can also be a great way to learn responsibilities and for your child to care for something. Ask your child to put him in the washing machine or to make sure that Teddy is sleeping in the bed during the day. Aaaaahhhh…..Teddy, we love you!

What do you think of the Teddy’s attachment? We would love to hear from you. I hope you enjoyed this post.

References :

-I found this lovely story about a little boy who lost his Teddy :

http://www.news.com.au/national-news/nsw-act/lost-teddy-too-much-for-toddler-to-bear/story-fndo4bst-1226479498941

-http://www.whattoexpect.com/toddler/behavior/attachment-to-blanket.aspx

-http://www.news.com.au/national-news/nsw-act/lost-teddy-too-much-for-toddler-to-bear/story-fndo4bst-1226479498941

My baby is bilingual...

I was at the park the other day and there was this little boy playing. His mum who was sitting next to me on the bench, called him. She started to talk to him in a language I didn’t know. The little boy went back to play with his friends and was speaking perfect English. I Had to ask his mum because I was too curious, she told me that her son (6 years old) was trilingual as soon as he started to talk. They were speaking 2 different languages at home and he had english for outside home…We spoke for a while about how they did it and what were the challenges of raising a trilingual child.

I was amazed…so as you already guessed, I did my own research.

I wondered what happens to a baby raised in a bilingual family? Many studies have been done to help researchers have a better understanding of the mechanism of language acquisition. Baby’s brains are like sponges, they can learn 2 or more languages really quickly and thoroughly and won’t even be confused between them.     

So if you have the chance to speak 2 different languages at home you could give your child a real advantage in life. Many studies proved that real bilinguals people will have a better focus. Because they have  to control 2 languages constantly, studies results suggest that they “develop a more efficient executive functioning system” and this is a lot more noticeable with kids than adult.

They are also better at multitasking, such as driving and talking on the phone (of course this is not recommended, it was just for the case study). But you have to start to speak 2 languages early in life to experience advantages like that.

Something that really surprised me was that it can also bring health benefits. Ellen Bialystok is a Researcher for York University in Toronto (http://www.yorku.ca/). Her work showed that speaking 2 languages can have a real positive health impacts on Alzeihmer’s patients. 2 different studies and many articles showed that people who have spent their lives speaking two languages are better able to cope with the pathology of Alzheimer's," "They show symptoms of the disease up to four years later than monolinguals. Once the disease starts to destroy areas of the brain, bilinguals are able to keep functioning." Not too bad, hey?

On the other hand, studies demonstrated that "Bilingual children have on average a smaller vocabulary in each of their languages than monolingual children," says Ellen Bialystok. "There is a smaller vocabulary in each language, but they probably know more words altogether."…“But having improved executive functioning, she argues, is more important than small differences in vocabulary or millisecond lags in word retrieval”

The idea of teaching your baby to be bilingual is quite good, but hang on a minute, there is a big step from the concept to the practical . I found some tips that could help you and your baby.

To start, let’s talk practicality. How does is work? An easy way to do it is to have both parents speaking their own language at all times. Therefore, your baby will refer to each parents with each language.

Make a family agreement where everybody will feel comfortable to speak 2 languages at home. It should be beneficial for everybody, your baby, both parents and other siblings. Be careful… if one of the parents are not speaking the “secret language”, they could feel left on the side.

Get in touch with other families speaking the same language. Playing and speaking a language with other kids is the best way for your child to learn a different language. Practice by playing! You can as well use beautiful      books and games to help learning in a fun way.

Remember, Be patient. It is already challenging to learn 1 language, imagine 2 or more! And stick to it, you may have doubts sometimes but persistence beats resistance and you will see the results of your commitment, what a reward!

And finally, be realistic. It is easy to be carried away with your child's ability to learn and want to teach them more languages while they are young. Usually, the number of language spoken in the household is enough even though you can introduce up to 4 languages simultaneously.

And what if I would like my baby to be bilingual but our family is monolingual? You can still do it but it might be a bit more challenging.

When you learn a language, the best thing to help you is to practice everyday, so to be immersed in it everyday. There is always ways when this is not possible in your home. If you were thinking of a nanny, an overseas au-pair can be a great idea! Books, cd, dvd, etc can really help as well. Check out the mothers group and playground activities, you could find some that speak the language of your choice. Your baby could play with kids that are speaking this language! This is the best way to learn.

To my opinion, teaching your baby to speak another language right from the beginning is giving them the chance to open their minds and their horizon. It is giving them the chance to learn another culture right from the beginning, you or your partner's culture in fact. It is another bond that you will create with them, something different that you will share. And if you teach your partner at the same time, even more amazing… it could become a beautiful family project!

References : 

-http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/parenting/bilingual-babies-balance-different-languages-researchers/story-fnet08xa-1226580030819

-http://www.abc.net.au/science/articles/2012/02/20/3435085.htm